shell shocked

that day happened almost 2 years ago. yet it was just as if it was yesterday. i chose to write in catharsis. i wish not to dispense advice or hurt. i wish just to share and in return maybe the jagged ends hurt less. perhaps i can hope to begin to entomb this episode.

the pain was just as physical as it was emotional. my heart ached, and i clutched at my chest, unable to breathe. my pulse raced, sending more blood to my brain, adding clarity to my wretchedness. i vomitted and i purged. i could feel my intestines slither in my belly, it's twists and spasms matching my sobs. my throat choked, my tears flowed. i could not eat. sleep was but a short reprieve. every aspect of pain imaginable is magnified and i surrendered in exhaustion.

i cried initially for the pain of emotional wounds from the betrayal. then i started crying for the loss of love and dreams. oh, what dreams they were.

i lived in a haze of anguish, exhaustion and confusion. the fact that i remained alive was but by the mercy oh HIM. i drove through a torrent of tears daily; driving became a war game. i plodded through work. i put up a believable facade. for once i was thankful i work ungodly hours.

i could not believe this happened to me, to us. when i close my eyes at night, i see my love intertwined with a faceless other. sleep was by chance. and in the wee hours i awoke, everything felt like a bad dream, only to realise a second later it was real. the heaviness of it rests upon my tortured self for yet another day.

that was how i struggled for survival in the wake of the tsunami.

postscript: i later found out many women described the days after "discovery"(D-day) similiar to soldiers describing post traumatic shock syndrome. to me it was a tsunami.