limbo

despite my active mind, i had very little information to agonize over. it was around this time that i suddenly started praying again. human nature being as it is, i turned to God in my moment of despair. i bowed in humility and submission, and with such conviction that i surprised even myself. suddenly a lifetime of religious lessons merged with startling clarity. prayer gave me the temporary peace i craved in my agitated state. i couldn't wait to pray yet again. i began to survive from one prayer session to the next. dari wudhu' ke wudhu'. as the effects of prayer wore off, i became a mess again. prayer provided a port of sanity in a sea of madness. it afforded me with enough composure to allow me to function with my day job.

jentayu, my friend suggested we kept on living separately. it would be detrimental to any hope of civil discussion if i'm allowed to vent my anger at will. she also theorized that my sadness would also drive both of us nuts. i cried most hours of the day except when i'm working. or until i'm alone. it's not as if we had a choice. he was just transferred and had to prove he was worthy of the promotion. and i could not leave my current job to accompany him. there was no opening where he worked. there were still bills to be paid.

secretly i had hoped that he would come home. even if for a few days. to hold me close and take the pain away. despite the rut we were in before disclosure, i loved him deeply. he assured me that he would be home once we were both ready. i did not know what that meant. jentayu knew more than i did at the time. you see, men who have just ended their affair or confronted with the prospect of the end mourn for their loss. they go through a withdrawal period. jentayu did not want me to see him pining for the other woman(OW). OW lives and works in the same town as i. Jenatayu wanted to keep them apart as much as we needed some time-off from each other. i had no choice but to believe he had put to stop all contact with the OW. there was nothing i could do. despite my hate, i missed him very much. my misery was compounded further.

and i was growing impatient.

preceding events

i did mention earlier that he was posted elsewhere for work. we have never been physically separated by work since our marriage 8 years ago. i suppose the emotional attachment we had had deteriorated somewhat over the past 2 years. we were both exhausted by career demands, and being such like minded people, i was never worried.

watching mr and mrs smith speak with reluctance about their almost nonexistent connection (during the initial counselling session) was akin to watching our story. we could not remember when we last made love, let alone have sex. we treated each other with veiled contempt. we spoke but did not communicate. we were just like most married couple in a rut-i thought. most times we were busy climbing the corporate ladder. in the eyes of the world, we looked just the loving couple. we loved each other very much, that i did not doubt. he still opens doors for me, hugs me in public and we had many scintillating conversations on current and career issues. we'd go out for movies and plays. we'd have late night suppers just to be together. but we had no intimacy. i did not know the difference then, it took me 3 months after D-day to figure this out. for people out there, it's called the taking-for-granted phase of marriage. apparently it's a dangerous phase.

i suppose there were the signals. we stopped taking vacations during the duration of the affair. he actually became more attentive, and i thought we were on our way out of the rut. there were a few times when the phone rang and the line went silent when i answered. but then, we had a few crank calls earlier and i left it at that. and when we did make love, his eyes looked sad. he became more religious, he read the holy book more and actually prayed. this did unsettle me a little as he was mostly non-practicing when it came to religion. again i attributed it to change for the better. something that struck me much later was that i could not reach him much in the afternoons. but then again, afternoons are always busy for me too, and i loathe to answer personal calls, preferring to rush through work once the tempo is set.

unlike most women, i was burdened by the entire running of the household. i despised the responsibility and detest my husband for the state of affairs. he only needed to show up in the marriage. i did the rest. he was preoccupied on being employee of the year. i humored him. it was his only way of earning respect as i earned more. at this point, we both lacked empathy. and we were both full of resentment.

obsession

i obsessed constantly after the discovery. i wanted to know every detail of the affair. after much hesitation, he promised to tell me a bit of what happened. that was of course after i calmed down. that meant i was too exhausted to entertain thoughts of murdering him. by a fortnight, i was broken. i just wanted a story.

he told me. it was a summary of events. at the time, it was enough for me. i cried in relief. i hugged the holy book throughout the conversation. partly for strength, partly because i could not count on this man for making me feel safe. i was so overwhelmed that i finally am hearing something at last, i didn't question the validity of the tale.

hanging up the telephone, i slept on the cold floor, hugging the holy book. numb. too tired to move. at least i got to sleep.

over the next few days, i began running the account repeatedly through my mind. and i found many unanswered questions. parts of it did not make sense. i hounded him for more details. he was reluctant.

what i gleaned was that the physical affair was over some months earlier, but they remained "friends". it sounded so cliche. i was firm. end contact or i'll end ours. surprisingly he agreed.

Amoris vulnus idem sanat, qui facit.

Translation: The wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them"

the person who made the gash on my soul stonewalled for a good month or so. understandably i lashed out my fury almost every time we spoke. as fate would have it, we were "separated" as he was posted offshore a few months earlier.

i certainly did not know how to handle the situation. i was also not thinking clearly. nothing ever prepared me for this. in a way, i was fortunate that we were not living together at that time of crisis. it was also unfortunate as i (we both) needed to be consoled at certain times, and found myself alone.

i was also full of nagging questions, how did this happen? who? why? is it still on? if not, why are you still in contact with the offending party? why did it happen? is it truly over? i wanted to know date, time places, positions...and he could not answer. i was full of questions and did not get any answers. i became paranoid, as well as exhausted, angry, anxious and hurt beyond belief.

i was a mess. he was too. he was pushed against the wall, by me and circumstances he created. i did not feel safe. strangers know where i live and had my phone numbers. i needed things that i could not name. he needed me to calm down. we hardly had a real conversation, only accusations on my side and evasion on his. we were spiralling into an abyss.

there seem to be no hope for recovery.

Jentayu

Di paruhmu kemilauan sinar
Menyepuhi sejuta rasa
Kemulian di hatimu
Bening budi terdampar di jagat raya

Di sayap taufan kau jelajahi
Awan gemawan membawa rindu
Kasihmu menentangi kezaliman
Ketidakadilan

Jentayu
Patah sayap bertongkat paruh
Jentayu
Patah paruh bertongkat siku
Jentayu
Patah siku bertongkat dagu
Jentayu
Patah dagu bertongkat kuku

Pinjamkanlah hatimu
Untuk semua


Pinjamkanlah syahdumu

(usman awang)

this poem is about hope. for me, it's also about a friend whose love for me knew no bounds.
she was the one who drove me home on D-day, fed me, stayed by my side the first 24 hours. she reminded me that God is almighty, for every blow He delivers, there always is a cushion. i did not realise that she was it at that time. how silly.

shell shocked

that day happened almost 2 years ago. yet it was just as if it was yesterday. i chose to write in catharsis. i wish not to dispense advice or hurt. i wish just to share and in return maybe the jagged ends hurt less. perhaps i can hope to begin to entomb this episode.

the pain was just as physical as it was emotional. my heart ached, and i clutched at my chest, unable to breathe. my pulse raced, sending more blood to my brain, adding clarity to my wretchedness. i vomitted and i purged. i could feel my intestines slither in my belly, it's twists and spasms matching my sobs. my throat choked, my tears flowed. i could not eat. sleep was but a short reprieve. every aspect of pain imaginable is magnified and i surrendered in exhaustion.

i cried initially for the pain of emotional wounds from the betrayal. then i started crying for the loss of love and dreams. oh, what dreams they were.

i lived in a haze of anguish, exhaustion and confusion. the fact that i remained alive was but by the mercy oh HIM. i drove through a torrent of tears daily; driving became a war game. i plodded through work. i put up a believable facade. for once i was thankful i work ungodly hours.

i could not believe this happened to me, to us. when i close my eyes at night, i see my love intertwined with a faceless other. sleep was by chance. and in the wee hours i awoke, everything felt like a bad dream, only to realise a second later it was real. the heaviness of it rests upon my tortured self for yet another day.

that was how i struggled for survival in the wake of the tsunami.

postscript: i later found out many women described the days after "discovery"(D-day) similiar to soldiers describing post traumatic shock syndrome. to me it was a tsunami.

tsunami

remember what the tsunami was like, that black day in 2004. how unexpected, how cruel,how nobody deserved it, how life would never be the same again?

there was this image of a mother crying prostrate over her dead baby's body in ceylon. undiluted anguish clearly depicted. she cried because everything she lived for was taken in a flash, yet leaving her mortally spared to endure the greatest pain ever. her husband, just as affected, looked away helplessly because he could not endure the sight of such raw pain.

this is what it's like the day innocence died.

D-day

there i was, in the middle of zara, trying yet another piece of clothing that i'm sure will make me feel good-my damn mobile rang.

i moved quickly out of the changing room and hid behind the clearance racks. this number came up twice already today. i usually ignore unknown numbers, but this one has called a third time.

"puan nih isteri .........?"
yes..
"saya .......isteri saya ada affair dgn suami puan"
alah....org suka lah buat cerita2 camnih
"puan, saya ada bukti. pictures......" puan tanya suami puan, pastu call me back.
i will call you back.
-----------------------
sayang, i've had this annoying call. his name is .........and the wife is.........who are they? AND YOU BETTER TELL ME TRUTH. I CAN HANDLE IT IF THE TRUTH COMES FROM YOU.













i ada affair dgn wife dia.











time stood still in the middle of zara.







that's how i found out.